no soup for you!

You know how you watch an episode of a TV show and you think "that cannot be real" and you wonder if it ever happens in real life? Yeah... I am living in my own private Seinfeld episode.

The one thing you can never say about me is that I didn't date in my 20s. I have gone on a ton of dates this year. I haven't written them all down because it's rather pointless, but I sure have gone on my fair share. My mom calls me the Soup Nazi of dating because I'm so quick to say "NEXT!" I told this to my dad the other night in the restaurant and he burst out laughing saying "No soup for you! Come back ONE YEAR!" It's too damn true. Just replace the word "soup" with my name and it applies.

But it's not just the dating nazi thing. I had a very specific moment happen last night.

I meet this guy online (like all the other ones) and we hit it off online and on the phone. We set up a date, he blows me off. I don't hear from him for a few days - turns out there's a death in the family. Okay, thoroughly excusable. The short version of the long story is that multiple things occur and I should have known better but I'm a glutton for punishment. It finally works out that we plan something except it wasn't really planned because he just calls me and says "lets meet up, I'm on the road" - that kind of thing. Umm.. okay, no time to shower so you get me in my shorts and not so fresh shirt. Fuck it.

Meet up at the restaurant, do the visual scan of each other, head inside. Dude will not take his clammy hands off of mine. I can't even order my meal without him grabbing them so I give him one hand as a compromise and say I need the other for scratching this sunburn which, by the way, is horrifically peeling at this point. I'm enjoying the moment actually but I wish he'd quit being so grabby. He's apparently not hungry because he orders and ends up taking it to go. Meanwhile, I'm ravenous and ragging so the uterus decides its dinner time, damn it! Wolfed down dinner and he was pushing me through it anyway so we ended up heading back to my place - he followed me. We were going to watch a movie.

We get to my place and within 15 seconds of the movie starting (I know because I was watching the counter on the DVD player), he had his tongue down my throat. I have been blessed in the fact that from my very first kiss and up through the last couple months, I have had either amazing or really good kissers. Randomly I get an awkward fish kisser like 2 weeks ago on the date where I got sicker. This one was just as bad but in his own bad way. He was so awkward and so clumsy that I felt like this must be what it's like when you're in high school and it suddenly made me glad to have not kissed anyone till college. He was also shaking quite a lot. I thought this was going to be another squirty episode where dude gets so worked up from kissing that he blows his load. Alas, I wasn't quite that blessed. Within a minute, perhaps two minutes, he stopped trying to put my hand on his crotch and instead he put his own hand there... and then:

E: He took it out.
J: He took it out?
E: He took. It out.

I waited a good minute before even considering touching it. He's doing his best to seduce me with fish kisses on my neck and the entire time I'm writing this entry in my head. The inner monologue is going non-stop and in my head as well. He started jerking himself off while kissing me and then took his jerking off hand and rubbed my face. Thank you. Now I have precum and dick face. Eventually I moved my hand to his dick. He says "I'm so hard for you, baby" and I was shocked. Umm... really? I thought he was only half stock. I thought the acorn would grow into a mighty oak tree, not the sapling lying in front of me. Oh no, my friend, he was apparently fully aroused and that's when I knew this was doomed.

He was mighty persistent though. At one point he even had the nerve to straddle me and try to put his dick up in my face. Are you fucking serious? I said "I think not" and he backed down and said "oh relax" and as he sat down, his sweaty ass crack and sweaty balls landed right on my thigh. This is not going to end well.

He sits back down on his side of the couch and tries to kiss me again. I end up just sticking my tongue out and he pretty much flicks my tongue with his. There's no passion. No intensity. No experience. I figure maybe I'll jerk him off and give him SOMETHING, but then he starts saying its unfair that I won't lick it, unfair that my hand is getting all the action. You just killed it, buddy. At this point I just stopped interacting altogether. You cannot expect me to go down on you for a $10 meal that you rushed me through. Maybe if a few drinks had been ordered, a dessert perhaps, then we could conceivably consider an oral exchange, but you are smokin some good shit if you think a $10 piece of chicken and rice is gonna do it for me.

He sits there and says "maybe on the next date you can go further" and I finally just tell him "I don't think there's gonna be a second date." He looks at me dumbfounded and says "why?" so I respond with "you keep pushing this and it's irritating me" he says "oh, ok" and he stands up, puts his pants back on, and sits down for maybe a minute. I keep telling myself to just tell him to leave, but I am mute for some reason. He finally says "I need to go out to my car and make a phone call. I'll be back in a few." My gut reaction was to go to the balcony and see if his tail lights went flying by so I did exactly that and thought I saw them go, but I was afraid to actually go down and look to see if his car was there or not. I called up my best male friend, Hermie (he went with me to the wedding in April) and we shared a hearty laugh. I waited another minute and then took my dog out in such a way that I would end up back around by the parking lot and yup, those were his tail lights I saw whizzing by. Classy. Really fucking classy. Okay, now I'm no fool. I knew he was bolting, tail tucked between his legs, but he could have just said "Yeah, I'm gonna go home now" instead of make up some bullshit lie. I hate being lied to no matter how small the lie.

Elapsed time from first kiss to escape: 17 minutes.

On the plus side, I got a free meal.